The Shit Factory

omgomgomg this has got to be my cutest and most retarded childhood story. i started writing this in primary school (i can't remember when it's too long ago), then i had a long hiatus and finally finished the story sometime in secondary school, evident by the abrupt change in handwriting. the whole story is inspired by willy wonka's chocolate factory (which was why i knew i started in primary school), along with my childhood fictitious characters, Ah Kow, Ah Siaow and gang. i even had doodles here and there, like a children's story book! so here goes nothing (finally something really lighthearted):

The shit factory was a huge factory, manufacturing all the latest shit products. It was also a very weird factory. A little like Mr. Willy Wonka's chocolate factory, there was a towerous iron gate at the entrance which was always locked. No one went into the shit factory, nor did they come out. But still, you can see the smoke coming out of the chimney, as if someone, or something, was working 24 hours a day to produce a new shit product every month.

Ah Kow, Ah Siaow, Ah San and Ah Bui are four very adventurous kids. Though not very clever, their curiosity urged them to find out about things they don't know. Their parents were not in on this, though. They thought it only made them get into trouble.

On that breezy Saturday afternoon, the four gathered together at the usual spot: just outside the gates of the enormous shit factory. Normally, people would not dare go near the factory because they were afraid, afraid of the factory, afraid of its strangeness, its weirdness. But the fab. four was not afraid. They were used to strangeness, because all the adventures they'd been through were so strange that nobody believed them.

Anyway, Ah Kow, the cleverest but goofiest of the lot was saying, "It's such a boring day, why don't we go and find some adventure?" The others stared at him blankly.
"We didn't lose any adventure, why do we have to find it?" Ah Siaow, the most "gong" one, said.
Ah Kow, Ah San and Ah Bui slapped their foreheads.
"Why don't we check out the shit factory?" Ah San, the most imaginative one, suggested.
They looked at Ah San. His eyes were gleaming. He was smiling a very broad smile, a kind of sly one, one that his friends had never seen before. The others began to smile. They started their discussion and when it was agreed, they said good-bye, and all they could do now was wait.

They were supposed to meet at 10.00pm sharp. Then they would climb up a rope over the large brick wall of the entrance an begin to explore. But Ah Bui was not good at waiting. He would stuff himself with all the cookies and chocolates and candies and whatever he could stuff himself with. What Ah Siaow would do if he had to wait was what a lunatic in Woodbridge would do. He went straight to his bedroom when he got home, locked the door, flopped down on his bed and stared at the ceiling.

When he got home, Ah San sat down on his study table and started to draw what he thought he would see in the shit factory. Ah Kow was busy as soon as he got home. He started to find a rope strong enough to hold Ah Bui's weight. Then he attached a small hook at one end of the rope, so that they could hook the rope onto the top of the iron gate. Then he tested with rope to see if it was safe to climb with. When that was done he went into his room and took out a book to read. The title was "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory".

Night soon arrived and before long, it was their bedtime. When each of them was sure their parents were asleep, they slipped out of the house quietly. The four of them were quite surprised when they saw they had arrived at the same time. A few lamp posts were not enough to brighten the dark streets of the night. Not a single soul could be seen.
"Are we ready?" Ah Kow said in a low voice.
The rest nodded. They were all very excited and at the same time, nervous. They did not know what was in there behind the gates. They didn't know what they would find when they got over the top of the iron gate.

Ah Kow threw the rope over the top of the iron gate, then he started climbing up, up, seven feet high. (i didn't know seven feet isnt exactly very high for an iron gate at this point) He looked down and almost fell over. Slowly, he made his way to the other side of the iron gate. He jumped down and landed on his butt. He stood up. Not more than twenty feet away was the shit factory itself. He froze. He had never seen such a huge factory before. He dropped down on his butt again and fainted.

By the time the rest of his friends had climbed over the iron gate, Ah Kow was already awake.
"Wow," Ah San marvelled.
Ah Bui gulped. Ah Siaow gasped. Ah Kow walked up to the main entrance and the others followed. Ah Kow could feel his friends breathing heavily as he cautiously opened the door. But as soon as he turned the door knob, the "Unwelcome" mat which they were all standing on suddenly gave way and they dropped down to a seemingly endless pit.

"Plop!" Ah San landed on something soft. "Plop! Plop!" followed Ah Kow and Ah Siaow. And "PLOP!" landed Ah Bui. It was pitch black all around. Ah Kow felt to see what had given them a safe landing.
"YUCKK!" he grimaced.
Ah San felt it.
"Gross!" He too, thought that iwas shit that they had landed on.
But the worst thing was, Ah Bui was gobbling down the shit as soon as he landed. Just then the light came on and the four noticed that they were in a muddy pool of shit and that as Ah Bui ate more and more of the shit, he began sinking.

Down and down Ah Bui went, until finally his head disappeared below the surface of the shit.
"Ah Bui!" Ah Kow, Ah Siaow and Ah San shouted.
Ah San crawled to where Ah Bui had sunk and started digging for any signs of Ah Bui. The other two watched in disgust, wondering if they should crawl over and help Ah San.

Suddenly, Ah San stopped. He looked up and frowned.
"There's something hard here," he reported, and knocked on it. "It's hollow, like..."
Ah San racked his brains. He stretched his hand out further, and disappeared suddenly.
"Whoa!" That was his last word before sliding down a long, curving tunnel. A very long, curving tunnel.

Ah Kow and Ah Siaow were trying to figure out what had 'sucked' their friends under the pile of shit. Then, Ah Siaow went down. Instinctively, Ah Kow grabbed his arm. Ah Siaow looked around and reported the tunnel.
"So that's where Ah Bui and Ah San went," said Ah Kow thoughtfully.
And both of them fell into the very long, curving tunnel when Ah Siaow suddenly pulled hard on Ah Kow's arm.

Down and down they went. Finally, the tunnel stopped and Ah Kow and Ah Siaow landed in a sea of shit. They sniffed the air. It was amazingly sweet-smelling. Ah Kow took up a piece of shit and tasted it.
"Very sweet," he remarked.
But before Ah Siaow had time to have a taste of it, Ah Kow screamed and pointed behind Ah Siaow. He turned around and to his horror, he saw that he was only about five feet away before he was smashed flat like a pancake by an enormous shit-smasher. The two of them frantically swam among the pile of shit until they were a safe distance away from the shit smasher.

Meanwhile, Ah Bui and Ah San had managed to find each other amongst the sea of shit when Ah San noticed a fat body, gobbling down big mouthfuls of shit, flowing with the current where the shit smasher was smashing big piles of shit. Luckily, none of them was smashed or hurt in any way. Then they had started looking for Ah Kow and Ah Siaow, hoping that they were safe and sound. However, Ah Bui was not helping out very much.

"Maybe they noticed the shit smasher a little bit too late and got smashed," said Ah Bui. "Perhaps their bones got smashed so violently that the little bits got stuck in some of the shit products and people won't even notice them and -"
"Shut up!" yelled Ah San.
He was very close to throwing up. He was already feeling sick. His face was the colour of the spinach Popeye eats.

Then, from the distance, Ah San heard voices. Voices of two people jabbering at each other loudly. The voices were familiar. A smile lit up Ah San's face like a forty-watt bulb. He began waving frantically at two now visible figures. Ah Bui saw what they had found and shouted at the top of his lungs, "Ah Kow!! Ah Siaow!!"

Ah Kow and Ah Siaow swam quickly to their friends, gobbling up as much shit as they could on the way. Ah San had the urge to hug his friends, but held it back when he saw the shit smeared all over their faces.

"So," Ah Kow said after swallowing huge mouthfuls of the most delicious, scrumptious shit he had ever tried. "What now?"
He shifted his gaze from Ah Bui to Ah San to Ah Siaow. Ah San shrugged. "We came for adventure. I suggest we find a way outta here and do some exploring."
Ah Bui and Ah Siaow nodded in agreement. Ah Kow waded around in the shit. "Any ideas?"
"That way," the three of them said together.
Ah Bui pointed to Ah Kow's left, Ah Siaow to his right and Ah San ahead of him. Ah Kow thought for a moment, then started swimming ahead, the others right behind.

Before they could get very far, a voice seemingly from nowhere bellowed so loudly it shook the vast walls of the place. There was a slight current as the sea rippled.
"SEIZE THEM, ESCAPEES OR NOT!!"
Suddenly, the ceiling twenty feet above the four slided open with a loud humming sound. Four vices, each about the length of a lorry, emerged. Their "hands" opened and closed as they were brought down upon the stunned four. One by one, Ah Kow, Ah Siaow, Ah San and Ah Bui were picked up by the vices and raised to the ceiling, which now seemed like the floor of another level. When they were through the opening, they watched helplessly as it was sealed, leaving the marble floor shining sparklessly at the fab. four.

They landed roughly on the floor and stared around. They were in some sort of dream. All around them were looming pillars, made of dark brown, sweet-smelling substance - shit. The marble floor ended at a door at the end of the room. There were tables, chairs, sofas, televisions, computers and they were all made of shit.

Ah Bui wasted no time. He ran awkwardly on his short, stubby legs and clamped his jaw on the first thing he came to - the sofa. He started gobbling down huge mouthfuls of shit as the others stared at him in disgust.

Dragging Ah Bui with them, they made their way to the door and opened it. They were overcome by an even greater surprise. Ah Kow, Ah Siaow, Ah San and Ah Bui were now standing in a beautiful garden made of shit.

There were grass and trees and flowers and birds and butterflies and bees; there was also a waterfall and a river. The strange thing was that the shit was not brown - in fact, everything was just the right colour as they should be.

The fab. four walked around, eating blades of grass and gazing, awe-struck, at their surroundings. They snatched and swallowed down bees from the air, licked the barks of trees, drank from the waterfalls, and nibbled on the petals of flowers. Everything had a different taste - some were sweet, some sour, some tasted like cherries and some like durians.

When the fab. four had filled their tummies, they lay down on the grass.
"This is such a wonderful place!" exclaimed Ah Bui as he ate another tuft of grass (he was the only one who wasn't full).
"Actually, we came here for adventure," reminded Ah San.
There was a loud snore. Ah Siaow was asleep.
"Let's just lie down here and nap for a while - it's so comfortable," suggested Ah Kow.
The rest agreed and they soon drifted off to sleep, with a petal of a flower sticking out of Ah Bui's mouth.

"WAKE UP, YOU LAZY SCUMS!!" a voice bellowed into the ears of the fab. four. They jerked awake and sat up. They looked into the face of a person so horrid they almost threw up. She was so fat that Ah Bui was a bamboo stick compared to her.

She had small little slits for eyes, a big - enormous, in fact - crooked nose and a wide mouth with rows of yellow, rotting teeth. Her breath smelled exactly like rotten bananas mixed with raw fish. Her hair was tied in two short, disgusting ponytails. Her cheeks were blood red. She had a triple chin, very rare. (a really ugly artist's impression was done at this point)

As Ah Kow, Ah Siaow, Ah San and Ah Bui looked away, terrified, from the horrible face, they noticed that they were in a sort of cell. It was huge, with chains and nooses hanging from the walls and ceilings. The fab. four almost fainted at the sight of a guillotine at the corner of the cell.

There were numerous people in the cell. Some of them were groaning. Ohters were seemingly dead. Some were screaming; others were crying. The fab. four, after all their adventures, had never seen anything so terrifying before. They were about to get up and run for their lives when the beast spoke.

"Welcome to the Torture Chamber, you suckers!" she sneered. Her expression was too ugly to describe.
"Who...are...you?" Ah Kow asked carefully. The beast's eyes bulged. Then she/it threw back her head and roared with laughter. Ah San realized that she/it was so fat that she/it did not even have a neck.

"Well, well," she barked. "Since you don't even know that I, Miss Piggy, is the boss of the shit factory, the maker of all shit products, I suggest you start all over again in the Training School!!" She tossed her head back and laughed like a hyena. Then she strode away, leaving the fab. four surrounded by guards.

They were four strongly built men, with broad shoulders and muscular limbs. But it took two and a half of them to match Miss Piggy's size. They hoisted the fab. four up roughly and led them to the exit door. Ah San wondered what could be behind the other doors in the cell. They all looked the same. Big and brown, with rusty doorknobs and hinges. Ah San was not even sure which door Miss Piggy had gone through - he didn't think she went through any door at all, for she was too fat to fit in.

For once, Ah Bui was grateful for the guards. They were practically carrying them holding on to their collars. Ah Bui was too tired to walk, so he slumped against the big arms of his guard.

Soon, they reached another building. The fab. four were thrown inside and the door slammed, shaking the lights. However, as crowded as the place was, no one seemed to notice them. The fab. four surveyed their new surroundings.

They were in yet another enormous room. There were lockersand doors and a cafeteria. Everyone, no matter what they were doing - putting books in lockers, eating at the cafeteria, going to what Ah Kow realized were classrooms, all looked very moody. They were of all ages, from toddlers to old folks, but they had that same long, sad faces.

The fab. four turned to run, but there was no place to go. The door had only one doorknob on the outside; the windows were locked (they knew if they broke out, they would raise an alarm). Ah Bui was on the verge of tasting his own tears (and mucus), Ah San was turning spinach green, Ah Kow was staring around in disbelief, and Ah Siaow was - wait a minute. Ah Kow, Ah San and Ah Bui looked around. Where was Ah Siaow? They looked down. He had fainted.

"So this is the training school," Ah Kow said after they had managed to revive Ah Siaow. The rest nodded glumly. (this was where my handwriting changed, signifying the end of a long hiatus)
"I didn't know that the shit factory is so, well, torturous," Ah San said.
"Ya," added Ah Bui fearfully, "That's because Miss Piggy is the owner!" He shuddered.

"That's it!" Ah Kow exclaimed. The rest looked at him. No one else noticed a thing. They were all too busy sulking. "We have to get rid of Miss Piggy if we want to save all these people!" Ah Kow explained. He was talking rapidly, something he did when he was excited.
"But won't that be the end of the shit factory? The end of all shit products?" Ah Siaow asked.
For once, he had a point. Ah Bui looked even more fearful now. He started breathing rapidly and muttering strange things.
"No more Miss Piggy...no more shit factory...no more shit products...no more Miss Piggy...no more shit factory..."
"Ah Siaow's right," Ah San said thoughtfully. They were all silent, except for Ah bui of course.
"Oh well, then just let's get out of here," Ah Kow said.
And they walked out of the shit factory and lived happily ever after. The end.

OI! COME BACK HERE LAH, YOU IDIOTS! IF YOU JUST WALK OUT LIKE THAT THEN THERE'S NO STORY TO WRITE ALREADY LAH, YOU ASSHOLES! COME BACK! (i have no idea why i wrote that. the long hiatus must have rendered me abit mad. abit more mad than i already was, i guess.)

"Okay, now we've got no choice." Ah Kow said. Ah Bui was close to tears now. The idea of no more shit products (to him) was unimaginable. It was like losing all the food in the world (to him, again). Ah San went over and said to him, "Ah Bui, do you like Miss Piggy?"
Ah Bui's expression became fearful again. He shook his head vigorously.
"If Miss Piggy was gone and there is a new owner of this factory, would you like it?" he asked.
Ah Bui's face lit up and he nodded. He was happy again.

The four began to make plans to get rid of Miss Piggy. They stayed in the training school and made friends. They were told much about Miss Piggy, including her hobbies (which you won't want to know), her favourite foods (which filled 4 pages of Ah San's notebook) and all her other habits and ways. They also got the full support and help to get rid of Miss Piggy.

Seconds passed and led to minutes. Minutes passed and led to hours. Hours passed and led to days. Finally the training course was over. It was time to go into the real factory to work. It was time to meet Miss Piggy, and it was time for the final showdown.

"Everybody clear on what to do?" Ah Kow asked as all the people shuffled out of the training school. They all nodded nervously. Nobody was sure if the plan would work. Because if it didn't, the consequences would be unthinkable.

The door opened. They stepped into the factory. It was huge, bigger than any of the other rooms. There were machines everywhere and a stool at every station. Everyone took their places. Ah Kow nodded to the rest of the gang. But it seemed like only Ah San was confident. Ah Siaow was as white as a ghost, and Ah Bui was trembling from head to toe. Ah Kow sighed and shook his head.

Suddenly all the machines crackled and creaked to life. All the workers started doing their jobs.
"WORK!" screamed a repulsive voice. The fab. four looked up. In front of them was a huge screen showing Miss Piggy's rotten face. She was monitoring all of them. Ah Kow, Ah Siaow, Ah San and Ah Bui were not working.
"I SAID WORK!!!" Miss Piggy boomed.
"Ah Kow, how to work?" Ah Siaow asked frantically.
Ah Kow said, "Watch."

The four's jobs were very simple. All they had to do was press the button on the left first, then the one on the right. The shit product would be shaped, stamped, wrapped, stamped, checked, passed on and deposited inside the box.

A Kow deliberately pressed the right button first. The unshaped shit was stamped and half-flattened. Ah Siaow did what Ah Kow did and the shit was flattened some more. Then Ah San pressed the left button for it to be checked. The vice that held the shit threw it away. Unfortunately it hit Ah Bui, rebounded and hit the screen. Miss Piggy saw everything. Her face swelled up and turned purple. Steam wafted through her nose and ears.
"THE FOUR OF YOU! IN MY OFFICE! NOW!" she bellowed.

"Phase 1, complete," Ah Kow announced quietly as four guards hoisted them roughly away. Every head turned to look at them, wishing them luck. It was all up to them now (like it wasn't in the beginning). Ah Kow looked at the rest and nodded. They entered the room. Miss Piggy turned the screen to show the whole room. She wanted her workers to see what happened to slackers and idiots.

"What did you FOOLS think you were DOING!?" she roared.
The fab. four didn't answer. They just stood their ground and stared at her (which was hard, as she was just so ugly).
"I ASKED YOU A QUESTION!" she thundered.

Miss Piggy was so furious that she didn't notice each of them reach into their pockets and pulled out...
Ah Kow - his refillable pepper spray, a birthday present given by his cousin.
Ah San - his permanent black marker which he carries around all the time.
Ah Siaow - his purple underwear that he hadn't washed for years since he put it in his pocket when he was a baby.
Ah Bui - sweets? No, chocolate? No! Ah-ha! DOH! Not his yo-yo!

Nevermind.

"Now!" Ah Kow shouted. He aimed and sprayed. Right into Miss Piggy's eyes, which was a very difficult shot indeed. We could say he scored a bullseye!
"AAAAHHGRH!!!" Miss Piggy screamed. Ah Kow took the opportunity to spray some pepper into her mouth, making her choke. Miss Piggy stumbled back, tripped and fell back with a loud thud. As she struggled to get up, Ah San closed in and began to draw funny pictures on her face. Then Ah Siaow went over and pulled his disgusting underwear on her head.

The end result was this: (insert doodle of Miss Piggy end result) It was horror beyond horror, terror beyong terror and disgust beyond disgust.

Ah Kow turned towards the door and whistled. He gave the signal for the other workers to do what they had to.
"CHARGE!!!" someone roared. There were thunderous footsteps, pushing and shoving, as everyone ran and sprinted and pushed and stomped - out of the factory.
"WE'RE FREE!!" many of them cheered. Some whooped with joy. Others cried. But they all ran happily out of the factory's gates and home to the wives, husbands, children and parents. Even the guards were overwhelemed with joy.

Back in Miss Piggy's office, the fab. four were feeling very touched and happy to see the joy of so many people. They were glad that they had given them back their freedom. But Miss Piggy was staggering back to her feet.

"You -" she began approaching them. But then Ah Bui moved in front of her and turned, bent and farted.
POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTT!!!!!
The force was so tremendous that it sent Miss Piggy flying across the room. Her massive body broke the glass wall behind her and she flew out and landed on the ground motionless.

The four did not wait to see what happened, for the smell was already spreading rapidly around the room. It was worse than Ah Siaow's underwear and much worse than Miss Piggy's repulsive breath. They ran, staggering and sputtering, out of the factory and out the gates.

There was a crowd of people around them, praising and cheering for them, as they were told of their heroic deed.
"Well, it's all over now," Ah Kow said. The three of them looked at each other, smiling broadly. Ah Bui had tears in his eyes.
"No more Miss Piggy, no more shit factory...no more shit products...no more Miss Piggy, no more shit factory...no more shit products...."
Ah Kow, Ah Siaow, and Ah San slapped their foreheads and rolled their eyes.
"No more Miss Piggy, no more shit factory...no more shit products...."

The end.